Why we're all failing at self-care (but you can do better!)

What is one of the first things that comes to mind when you think about needing to make changes to be happier in your life?

I'm guessing self-care is on that list.

Self-care has gained a lot of popularity as a buzzword in the last several years when it comes to personal development and improving our lives.

But if it's such an important piece, why are so many of us still feeling trapped, discontented?

Because self-care is in direct conflict with the way we are wired!

We are wired to put others first. We are wired to make sure that we are being a helpful contributing member of society (so that we don't get kicked out of the cave), no matter what we want or need for ourselves.

We're taught to put those needs last.

So it could be argued that self-care comes down to learning to put ourselves first. And yeah, that's part of it.

But then, let's say I go ahead and make the decision, "Today, I'm going to be my top priority, I'm going to make myself the top of the list!"

What happens then?

Well, if we're lucky, we can truly put ourselves first for a minute. But it's usually only a short time. Because before we know it, the guilt has kicked in, the insecurities, the feelings of "OMG what if people get mad at me or what if I make the wrong decision or what if I completely ostracize everyone in my life and am all alone or what if..."

This especially becomes true when we focus on what is traditionally thought of as self-care: massages, taking time for ourselves, saying no to other people and setting boundaries... all of which are important, for sure, but that is the very surface of self-care that doesn't work by itself, as you've probably discovered.

So what is actually going on here?

The reality is that, again, we're wired to be people pleasers. We are literally WIRED to put everyone else first over ourselves.

Add onto that being born into societies that value not only people pleasing, but also things like looking up to others, asking others for advice, not trusting ourselves to know the answers for ourselves, using our brains instead of our intuition (our brain is the part that has been affected by society while our intuition is always there for us, but we're often taught to ignore that other voice)... and a society that often teaches us to be extremely hard on ourselves, always striving to be better and OTHER (smarter, stronger, skinnier, wealthier, prettier), talking to ourselves the way we would never talk to our children or friends, making us doubt that we're worthy of the things we want in our lives (or selfish for wanting them)...

Is it any wonder it's hard to actually implement self-care as a strategy for improving our lives, and have it WORK?

What's the solution?

We can't just start with massages and pedicures, exercise and getting enough sleep.

We have to go deeper than that.

We have to go to the inner layers of ourselves, where we learn that we can trust ourselves, learn that we're WORTHY... where we can teach ourselves to listen to our intuition and truly trust and believe that it is safe to live the life we want to live.

That doesn't just happen automatically. Because we're changing wiring. (And if we haven't changed the wiring, that's why we start something like an exercise plan or setting boundaries... and then relapse into old patterns.)

But creating new wiring for yourself is one thing that you actually have a lot of control over, in a world where it feels like our lives are sometimes so out of control.

I talked to my clients in a workshop we held inside of our monthly program this week about the events that have happened in the last few weeks. These last few weeks were stressful in a way I haven't experienced since April 2019, when I decided to close my clinic. Back then, I went into a massive depression that lasted for months. This time around, I got through it with just a bit of extra sleep.

Not because I intentionally did anything different. In fact, I didn't even realize until afterwards that I had handled it differently.

But because I've changed my wiring in the last couple of years.

And that's what we're all missing in self-care. Making ourselves a priority in a different, deeper way. Putting in the time and energy to teach our deeper selves that it's okay to want what we want, it's okay to put ourselves first.

When we take that time and make that effort, we can do anything.