Are You Doing Boundaries Wrong?

Boundaries.

One of the major buzzwords in our field.

“You have to set boundaries to be happier.”

Boundaries with your clients- you won’t answer your phone or emails after certain hours.

Boundaries with your boss- you’re only available x number of hours per week and not on certain afternoons for daycare.

Boundaries with your “friends”- if you haven’t talked to them in 5 years, you won’t answer their random “Hey can I ask you a question?” messages.

We’re all familiar with the need for those types of boundaries.

Do you know the biggest sign that a boundary is needed? 

Negative emotions.

That’s right. If you’re feeling angry, frustrated, annoyed… that’s a sign that a boundary may need to be put in place.

But here’s the piece that most people miss when they talk about this major subject…

The most important boundaries? The ones that are the MOST needed and the MOST influential in our happiness? 

Those aren’t the boundaries with your family, your friends, your boss or clients.

They’re the boundaries with YOURSELF!

Yep, that’s right.

And that’s why most people are doing boundaries WRONG.

Let me explain.

Have you ever set a boundary with a client that they aren’t allowed to treat you a certain way? 

Great!

Now, have you ever set a boundary with yourself that you’re not allowed to treat yourself the way that client was treating you?

No? Neither had I, once upon a time. 

In fact, if anything, I was harder on myself that most clients were on me. 

I allowed myself to treat MYSELF in ways that I would never allow others to treat me.

And this doesn’t just apply to how you talk to yourself (although that’s a HUGE piece!).

It also applies to how you let yourself live your life. 

Yeah, let’s start with internal dialogue. Do you talk to yourself the same as you would talk to your best friend or your child? No? Then it’s time to set a boundary with yourself.

But what about how you live? Do you set goals for yourself and then get distracted (Netflix, Facebook, life…) and just stop going for them? Yeah? Then it’s time to set a boundary with yourself.

Do you decide that you’re going to eat well this week, or wake up and go for a walk, or spend time just for yourself this week… and then you forget and get sucked into real life again? Been there, done that. But that also means you need to set a boundary with yourself.

The most important boundaries we set are not with those people or situations outside of us. They’re with OURSELVES. 

Because…

The better you treat yourself, the more you respect yourself, the better boundaries you set with yourself…

The better you’re going to require people treat you OUTSIDE of yourself. The better you’ll hold onto those boundaries and not let people get away with things that don’t serve you. The better you’ll require other people to respect you (if you don’t respect yourself, you won’t require it from others… but if you DO respect yourself, that’s all you’ll tolerate from others!).

This is why boundaries in our field can be so hard.

Because we’re starting from the wrong spot.

We’re starting with boundaries outside of ourselves, instead of starting with the boundaries we’re setting WITH ourselves!

(And here’s another thing to think about: Setting boundaries, especially with ourselves, is one of the most powerful forms of loving ourselves that we can get… and self-love can literally transform your entire life!)

So… what have you been tolerating in your life, especially with yourself? And what is one boundary that you can start setting and honoring with yourself that will move you closer to the life you want to be living?